The Eclectic WAHM

I was catching up on some blog reading today and came across this post and its related comments. It really got me thinking and musing. So here comes the musing...

Balancing parenting with work can be...no, IS tricky. Penelope Trunk's assessment of "mommy porn" is spot on. I think she is right when she says that "I’m telling you this: people are not being honest about what it’s like to be with kids. People are scared to admit that they would rather be at work than with their kids, because work is easier than parenting." But it's even more than that. It's because of self-imposed (and sometimes society-imposed) guilt. Mommies aren't supposed to want to be away from their kids. That's what the rabid SAHMs would tell you anyway.

I'll tell the truth: I love being a parent. I also love just being "me." Being me means doing things that don't include my kids. Do I love being with my kids? Sure I do. Do I want to be with them all day, every day to the exclusion of all else? No way. I'm not scared to say that. It's honest and it's who I am. I am more than a mother. The challenge is that becoming a mother many times means putting other things like work or hobbies on the back burner sometimes.

Since my first child was born almost thirteen years ago I have made many different choices when it comes to work and hobbies. For the first few years I stayed home. At one point it might have been fair to say I was a hard-core SAHM and couldn't imagine why anyone in the world would ever make a different choice than to stay home full time. Then I got a clue. Being a mother doesn't mean you have to spend every moment of every day focusing on your children. Some people may do just that. It may even work for them. It doesn't work for me and, darn it, that doesn't make me less of a good mother. Since that time I've worked full time outside the home, full time at home, part time outside the home, part time at home depending on what worked best at the time.

I need to work, I want to work. I need to play, I want to play. And frankly, I want it all on my terms which means sometimes my kids and sometimes my employers need to take a back seat. I'm not going to apologize for that. My kids are at that age where having more money for more "stuff" would probably be pretty cool to them. Well, if that happens on my terms - great. I won't sacrifice my personal peace so they can have designer clothes and more video games. Thrift stores and used game stores have the same stuff at less than half the cost. That will have to be good enough. I'm not above reminding them of the "starving children in China" like my mom used to do. Mother of the Year...that's me. LOL

Let's look at some basics when it comes to this whole "have to work" vs. "want to work" thing. I think it is fair to say that the *average* American family struggles to make ends meet. We can talk about downsizing our lifestyle and making different choices until we're blue in the face but the fact is that having a lifestyle that's halfway decent in this country costs a lot. The average American isn't a mid-level manager making $100k plus a year. The median family income in 2005 was just over $56k. Take out that big chunk for taxes and what the average family has left to work with just isn't all that spectacular.

Wouldn't it be just ducky if working were truly a choice? The need for many mothers to work is undeniable. Problem is, many mothers don't currently have the earning capability for it to make a huge financial difference for their family. Ever tried to pay for full time daycare on fast food wages? I haven't, but I assure you it's not a pretty sight. It's reality for many women though. Those who are lucky enough to have decent earning capacities have more options open to them. Still, this whole "having it all" thing is kind of a crock. No one "has it all" all of the time. No matter what you have to do or choose to do, it's exhausting and sometimes emotionally taxing.

I just spent 8 weeks rehearsing and performing a show that took time away from my family. Did I feel bad when my kids said "mom, can we do XYZ on Saturday?" and I said "sorry, I have rehearsal"? A little. I do feel bad when I deny a perfectly reasonable request from my kids. Bad enough to not do something that feeds my soul? Hell no. Bad enough to stay up way too late working and doing homework so that I'd have time on Tuesday to do XYZ with the kids? Yep. And that's exhausting. I don't know how I'd do it if I was working full time right now. Let's toss a little more guilt into the mix now because frankly, we'd be much better off if I were working full time. Wanna know why I'm not working full time? I don't think "having it all" is worth the price I'd pay physically and emotionally right now, and I'll be honest and say that it really doesn't have all that much to do with my kids. Sure, what's best for the kids comes into play in our major decisions. I also know that what's best for the kids is to have a mother that is happy and sane. It also helps that I'm blessed with a husband who has a decent job that he LOVES and this gives me the opportunity to have choices I wouldn't have otherwise. Not everyone is so lucky.

I'll go back to work full time outside the home when I find a job that I really want and love that fits into the schedule that I like to have. Or if the choice is full time work or living on ramen noodles at the homeless shelter. I will not work full time so that I can afford to have a house that looks like Martha Stewart just got back from Pottery Barn. My life will likely never resemble a swanky catalog. I am SO ok with that. I'd rather struggle a little and find more ways to make money from home doing things I enjoy than make the sacrifices I'd make working full time outside the home.